Well kids, here it is...the greatest premise for a movie...EVER:
A venereal disease turns two-timing/unfaithful mothers into cannibals with a desire to eat their children.
Sadly, it does not live up to the amazing potential of this brilliant concept.
Now, it actually starts off well and good, with some tasty gore, commendable cannibal content, and comedic leanings. Tragically, it's all downhill from there as the movie switches gears halfway through, heading more towards feeble attempts at humor and employing annoying-as-hell-to-look-at dead-ringer-for-Joker-from-Batman-style faces on the cannibal moms (for whatever reason, they didn't have these wack faces at the beginning of the film), all with a teen-romp movie sort of feel to it.
Granted, there are a couple redeeming moments here and there, including some amazing quotes when some of the characters are quite plainly describing what's going on ("My mother, she ate my brother..." "Yeah, our mothers too" "My mother ate your mothers?!" "No, my mother ate my father" "She's never done anything like this before!") and in response to the mothers ("You know my mother told me never to deck a lady, but she didn't say shit about a cannibal!"), etc. but the longer the movie goes along, the fewer and farther in-between these moments become.
The other disappointing elements of the movie are the fact that the mothers seem pretty oblivious to the fact that they're eating their kids (it would've been much more interesting if they'd, say, initially really struggled with what they were doing, etc.), and that instead of being completely demonized for what they're doing (both the cheating and the eating), the mothers are just given an even bigger comedic spin. Although on the plus side, it IS only those women who have given birth who become afflicted with the disease.
Anyway, no matter how you look at it, this movie reeks of unrealized potential, and makes me realize why people occasionally decide to do re-makes of movies. I know if I ever won the lottery, one of the things on my to-do list would be to re-make this film RIGHT.
Rating:
One uneaten thumb up.
the driller killer
Tonight's feature was "The Driller Killer." This was another ditty I remembered from my impressionable youth wandering through video stores while my parents decided between "Arthur" and "Tootsie." I originally thought it was just another random 80's anti-promiscuity slasher ala "Slumberparty Massacre" (which it turned out I actually kinda liked), and I may very well have gotten it straight-up mixed-up with the latter since the drill is the weapon of choice of the heroes of both flicks, but it turned out to be something quite different altogether.
Now this isn't to say that what it turned out to be was some fantastic achievement in film making, but it had a bit more substance than I originally thought. Whether that was a good thing or not, well...I'm still undecided.
Instead of a "kill off everyone but the unpopular but good-hearted gal in a variety of hilarious ways" body-count-o-rama, we have more of a revenge picture. But the revenge really might've been just a happy coincidence or accident in the midst of a breakdown-induced wholesale killing spree. No matter how the revenge comes however, it is certainly satisfying.
But anyway, the story - starving artist dude in slimy late 70s/early 80s NYC struggles to complete his masterpiece while shacked up with and trying to come to grips with two bi-sexual hipster types. When a completely annoying (seriously, the dude who played the lead singer for this band should've won an Oscar or something for his portrayal of annoyance perfected) and utterly inconsiderate blues-punk bar band (clearly trying to cash-in on the burgeoning punk scene of the time) moves in downstairs and proceeds to practice at all hours, it drives the lovable loser over the edge, and he slowly slips into insanity, with brutal results. In the end, everyone gets what's coming to them, and not everyone lives happily ever after. Or do they? The ending features a little twist that might just leave you guessing if you think about it too much.
And there are a lot of things in the movie that do that - they seem kinda shallow and pure happenstance at face value, but also seem just blatant enough to make you think perhaps the writer had a good reason for setting them up the way they were. Interesting. And it's these little interesting things (and strangely original inclusions such as the statement at the beginning of the movie that, "This movie should be played LOUD" - I mean, I've seen that on records, but a movie?) that set "The Driller Killer" apart and make it a worthwhile viewing (if you can stand the annoying genius of Tony Coca-Cola that is).
Rating: Two Crook-Eyes and a Double-Take
Hard Candy It becomes pretty evident before you even place the disc in the DVD tray that Hard Candy was made for a relatively low amount of money. This is not to say that it's bad however because it most certainly is not by any means. After seeing it appear on a number of Top 10 lists on Bloody-And-Disgusting.com, I decided to give this bad Larry a romp. Granted, the people at that site also liked crap like The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning but at least a good number of them hated An American Haunting.
Hard Candy stars a grand total of 5 people, 3 of them being bit roles. So, the whole of Hard Candy revolves around a 14 year old girl and a 32 year old man who meet via the internet. As you might expect, the conversations begin via instant messenger and tend to hint towards possible raciness. The two agree to meet and within the first 5 minutes of the film, they are exchanging hellos in a coffee shop. After a lengthy talk about books, academics and music, the pair drive off to the 32 year old's house where the depth of conversation continutes over vodka-related drinks. The man shows the girl around his house, which doubles as his photography studio, and they discuss his taking some shots of her while she's over. As she begins to dance around his living room, he slips into a trance and the fun begins.
While you can't really call Hard Candy horror, it is pretty effective in being tense in it's own right. Once our male awakes, he finds himself tied to his computer chair. Thinking he's about to enter into an afternoon of sexual games, our girl informs him that "playtime is over". Our girl then begins to psychologically torment the photographer
with physical harm and the use of her highly advanced intellect. One scene in particular puts you through the meat grinder mentally as you try not to picture what is happening to him, even going so far as to make you almost feel sorry for our assumed pedophile. The whole process takes a good 20-25 minutes and, if you are a man, causes you to thank the camera person for not showing everything. In the end, the two expose one another's psyche and tries their damndest to mentally and emotionally weaken the other. Hard Candy could've used the medium to "spread a message" but it skillfully avoids preaching and instead takes the viewer into a world where two highly intelligent beings attempt to one up the other.
For those seeking a high speed car chase or occasionally light-hearted comic relief, skip Hard Candy. As is the case with many indie films, this is a dialogue heavy ride not for the easily distracted. If you are willing to take this pretty heavy subject matter film on, you are likely to walk away from the experience feeling something, bad or good. For me, I found Hard Candy to be a refreshing change of pace from the atypical American thriller genre and I would find no haste in deciding to make a purchase for future viewings.
Results: One thumb up, one saved for protection
Tenebre (directed by Dario Argento) XkachoojiX can be thanked for mailing this bad Larry my way prior to the holidays. I've come dangerously close to spending obscene amounts on this DVD a few times but now, I have a copy to call my own. Many have argued Tenebre to be the premiere Argento giallo classic. Personally, I am a big fan of Deep Red and Suspiria is my Argento film of choice but this one cannot be ignored due its plethora of praise across the board.
Tenebre involves a seasoned fiction novel writer from New York who comes to Rome on a book tour. Upon his arrival, a hapless hussy of a victim is found dead in the suite near his with multiple stab wounds and pages of his latest novel stuffed in her mouth. Naturally, the police feel the need to question him and keep him on call in case of further investigations. As is to be expected, more people close to the author are turning up bathed in their own blood with each successive murder being more dramatic and violent than the last. Through no desire of his own, the author is pulled into the investigation as it is clear that the string of dead bodies are inspired by his latest novel.
Dario Argento is mostly known for his elaborate and violent murder mysteries called "giallo". While maybe not traditional horror by American standards due to a lack of an identifiable monster a la Jason Voorhess, these films are no less intense. The main difference I see between Argento's films and many of the more popular franchises are Dario Argento's mastery behind the camera and once again, Tenebre showcases that mastery, putting you in the eyes of the killer. It's a trick John Carpenter used as well in Halloween but Carpenter attributes the style to Argento as he is a comrade and an admirer of the Italian horror maestro.
Tenebre is not unlike Dario Argento's other giallo thrillers, albeit probably more violent and bloody. Unlike Opera where the kills are lengthier and further spaced out, Tenebre racks up a massive body count in short order with no signs of slowing down. Coupling this mounting of dead bodies with Dario Argento's directorial style, Tenebre brings the violence right to the table. Personally, I found myself saying "I like this movie alot but I still think Deep Red is better." for about the first 70-80 minutes of the film. This all changed during the final 10 minutes where I was to be found cheering and pumping my fist as if I had just won the Super Bowl. I won't ruin it but trust me, if you like blood splatterings, Tenebre brings it with reckless abandon.
One thing that stuck out to me was the manner in which Tenebre succeeds in masking the killer's identity. Dario Argento has always been great at keeping the viewer guessing but Tenebre really leaves you feeling clueless. Every time I thought I had the killer pegged, he or she was getting whomped ever so explicitly. If I had any major complaint at all, it was the lack of seeing Daria Nicolodi in a more revealing state. Say what you will but she was quite attractive back in the day. Still, Tenebre is abound with a slew of beautiful women, many of them getting whompulated. Is it wrong of me to find that sexy? Probably.
Results: A plethora of puncture wounds and a pile of dead bodies
Night 1: World Apartment Horror
Seeing as night 1 was the least "holiday-y" of my three nights of cinematic escapism (with the others being Christmas Eve and bad 'ole X-Mas itself), I decided to save the Christmas-themed selections for their more relevant evenings, and went with the one Japanese offering of the weekend, the strangely titled World Apartment Horror.
Now, the description I read of this movie made it sound promising, but also - as it turned out - sold it incredibly short. Basically, that description, and the OPENING basis of the plot went something like this - a young, low-level yakuza is sent to a ghetto-ass apartment that seems to be an international village of sorts, with the task of giving its residents the boot so the place can be knocked down to build a new building. His various attempts all fail miserably, mostly due to severe communications issues with the tenants who barely speak Japanese (and perhaps in part made worse by his raging accent).
That's about where the description left off, but that is really just the beginning. Unfortunately - or fortunately if you like surprises - this fails to take into account the MAIN basis of the story, which is that the apartment happens to be haunted, and that this haunting drove its previous manager - the young yakuza's brother - mad, and eventually does the same to the new kid attempting to serve not-so-subtle eviction notices to the remaining residents. Oh yeah, and it gets weirder.
Now, so far this all sounds like a fairly interesting idea, and as you're watching, it - along with the claustrophobia-inducing confines of the disgustingly scuzzy apartment and some surprisingly effective lo-budget effects - it works at developing a sense of tension, and this is counter-balanced nicely with some humorous moments. But as the movie presses on, things get sloppy as the film makers attempt to inject the plot with a hidden message about people of different nationalities living together in peace, and forces some hokey black magic via the inclusion of O.G. Big Black as the handy local witch doctor turned welder (?!).
By the end of the movie, the messy plot and cringe-worthy acting (bad actors attempting dialog in their non-native language is a recepie for disaster...or perhaps this was intentional? I honestly couldn't tell you...) started to take their toll, and it really fell apart and lost any impact it had the potential of dishing out. The ending was the culmination of confusion and was completely unsatisfying, even as a happy ending of sorts.
So while I will give World Apartment Horror lots of credit for trying rather than just re-making and butchering a classic like SO MANY new movies nowadays, and also for its genuine moments of creepiness, I'm not sure I can give it a glowing recommendation either. If you're up for a little light-hearted fun via a darkly themed flick, give this a shot if you can find it. If you're looking for rampant gore, a gripping storyline, and brilliant acting, you'd best pass this one up.
Rating: shakey hand and wobbly head.
Night 2: Black Christmas (Original)
What a freaking crap night. I was REALLY looking forward to some serious carnage to brighten up my weekend. The premise for Black Christmas seemed destined to fulfill my bloodlust, and I figured if it were enough of a classic for the morons in Hollywood to butcher it with YET ANOTHER re-make, it had to be decent. Sadly, I couldn't have been more wrong.
This movie is absolutely, unequivocally ATROCIOUS. Possibly the most ANNOYING horror movie I have EVER seen, rivaling even the unbearably god-awful Blair Witch Project. Everything about this movie is complete garbage - the characters, the actors (with the exception of the ever-reliable John Saxon, who is the ONLY bright spot in the movie), the cinematography (half the scenes in the move were such complete shite that they could've been taken straight out of a modern paint-by-the-numbers "horror" mockery), the story, did I mention the characters and the actors? The fact that the movie was going to be terrible was made painfully obvious about a minute in when it was revealed they were going to decimate every scene with the killer by having his pig-with-a-cold wheezing nauseatingly over-amplified every time he made an appearance (coupled with the oh-so-spooky crying like a baby and "twisted" pig noises the dork makes on the phone when he makes his calls to the sorority house). OK, so the killer is a write-off, so maybe they'll have some likeable potential victims and they'll play up the revenge angle. Wrong-O. Every character is begging to be butchered post-haste: the predictably (and ridiculously overdone) bawdy sorority mother, the bitchy (and insensingly over-acted) French girl (the most annoying character besides the killer himself, and consequently the one who survived and got the most screen time in the movie), the skanky sex-obsessed drunk, the token ugly nerd girl, the rubber-faced (if he furrowed his brow any more his face would crinkle into one of those Mad Magazine fold-overs that said "please make this tripe end!!!") dad of the first victim (who, by the way, was probably the most likeable character in the movie, thus her getting killed first). OH, and speaking of the first victim, after she was out of the way, it took them until halfway through the movie to get to the next kill. Hello? Zzzzzz... And then when the idiots did start going down, we don't even get to see it! Oh yeah, I know - it's SOOOO much scarier letting the viewer imagine the kills themselves right? Yeah, except the audience this movie must've been geared for probably would be imagining Barney frolicking in a field with the Teletubbies after a cut-away shot of an axe going toward someone's throat. Come to think of it, that'd be WAY scarier than anything in this pile. And then the fact that we never get to see the killer himself, only his hands? Hmmm...I can't imagine who THAT'S a blatant rip-off of... The capper is the utterly non-sensical, incomprehensibly retarded ending of movie. If I would've sat through this in the theatre only to be stabbed in the nutsack with this ending, the result surely would've ended with me in a trial being declared unfit for life in a civilized society.
I really cannot stress what a tanker truck of month old vomit this movie is. I've run out of adjectives. I SO wanted to shut it off 10 minutes in, but I kept praying it would get better. Unfortunately, they kept finding new ways for me to hate it. I seriously couldn't have made a more annoying piece of trash if I tried. Maybe they could've used Fall Out Boy as the background music for the "tension" scenes (I'm sure they'll do something similar in the re-make, perhaps The Bravery or From Zero). And if it's not annoying, then it's cliche and/or cheeseball melodrama. I'd rather watch John Tucker Must Die back to back with Shrek than ever watch 5 minutes of this movie again. I was so traumatized by this movie's unparalleled sucking that I had to watch something awesome directly afterwards just to snap myself back from the brink of frenzy - despite starting at nearly 1 AM. I can't even imagine how bad the remake must be...
For the love of all things brutal - avoid this movie like a newborn with colic!
Rating: five year threatening-letter campaign to everyone involved with this production.
Night 3: Silent Night Deadly Night
After being tortured by "The Producers" earlier in the evening (musicals are about as appealing as sipping a 40oz of baby drool), and the usual insanity from my family, I was once again ACHING for some brutal satisfaction. After the appalling disappointment of the previous evening, I was rather uptight about another let down. About 5 minutes in, I knew tonight's offering would prove MUCH more satisfying. Crazy old guys messing with little kids' minds, and maniacally murderous Santas make for a ho-ho-homicidally good time!
Yes, virtually the polar opposite of Black Christmas, rather than one annoyance after another, this movie offered one scene or line after another that just had me thinking, "Oh heck yeah..." and/or wringing my hands in anticipation, or outright cheering and floorpunching with glee. I was really quite surprised with the level of hilarity present in this movie. I was fully expecting it to be one of those movies whose bad publicity had blown its importance all out of whack, but in reality, it was quite rocking. It really had it all - Santa/Christmas-bashing, moderately smart characters, anti-alcohol messages, hot babes, rampant gratuitous violence, plenty of witty ideas, a spooky-ass soundtrack, even some moderately good acting from time to time!
But enough of the praising for a moment, I guess a little overview of the story is in order - little kid's parents get offed by a dude in a Santa suit, he gets traumatized, ends up a Catholic orphanage where a nutbag nun further traumatizes him, grows up to be a seemingly healthy young man, but the sight of Santa sends him into fits. When he's asked to PLAY Santa by his employer, he snaps, and carnage (and hilarity) ensues. That's really the long and short of it without spoiling things too much.
Besides introducing what hath quickly become my favorite movie catch phrase ever (watch the movie and you'll know exactly what I'm talking about), it has a scene that - had I seen it as a kid - would've put me off sledding at night FOREVER! In other words - awesome. And that was just one scene - there are plenty of dandies throughout this laugh-fest, including the closing scene which was damn near perfect.
In summary, this is a new favorite of mine, and I HIGHLY recommend it to anyone who loves movies like Friday the 13th, whose blood starts to boil upon sight of the first decorated tree of the season, and who giggles at the thought of kids being scarred for life. Or, anyone who just likes a good slasher movie with a wicked sense of humor.
Rating: four horns up!
Reviews by XKachoOjiX
It’s the film every Dario Argento fan has been waiting to see for over 25 years now. And LA TERZA MADRE/THE THIRD MOTHER (a.k.a. MOTHER OF TEARS; see more photos below), the highly anticipated completion of his supernatural trilogy begun by SUSPRIA and continued in INFERNO, finally went before the cameras late October on location in Rome and Turin. Based once more on Thomas De Quincey’s “Confessions of an Opium Eater” legend of three evil mothers, the Medusa Film stars Asia Argento (top photo below) as art restorer Sarah Mandy, who must stop the violent havoc caused when the cruel Mother of Tears is revived by demonic blood sacrifice.
At the Andezeno cemetery location, where the urn containing the Mother of Tears’ ashes is discovered, Dario answers the burning question: Why now, after all these years? “Because my fantasies have never been freer than in the past four years of my thinking about the second sequel,” he says. “I had a great experience on the MASTERS OF HORROR series [for which he helmed the first season’s JENIFER and this year’s PELTS]. They let me do whatever I wanted, and that creative freedom allowed my imagination to bubble over like sparkling champagne. I rediscovered the fury in my soul, the feelings I had as a young man directing SUSPIRIA. That drive, my dreams and a stream of obscene consciousness led me to visualize a modern fairy tale for our confusing times, full of sadomasochistic sex and shocking violence.”
It was also thanks to MASTERS OF HORROR that Dario encountered TOOLBOX MURDERS writers Jace Anderson and Adam Gierasch (second photo below, with MOTHER co-star Coralina Cataldi Tassoni at right), whom he brought on to marshal his outrageous ideas into script form. “A friend was assistant editor on the series,” Gierasch recalls, “so I angled a meet with Dario to get some stuff signed. We walked into the editing suite and the first thing Dario said was, ‘I’m trying to find writers for THE THIRD MOTHER—interested?’ ”
Anderson adds, “We couldn’t believe what had just happened. So we returned the next day with a script sample, and before we knew it we were living in Rome visiting locations. ‘You are my slaves—write, write,’ he’d say. It was important to Dario that the script connected to SUSPIRIA and INFERNO in meaningful ways, and we helped him achieve that.”
Asia, who has become a director in her own right, was so impressed by the script she asked her father for a role in it. “I was shattered after working two years nonstop,” she explains. “But there was no way I was going to miss being a part of my family, and Italian horror-movie, history. I don’t believe the script could be any better, going further into dark, surrealistic horror than Dario ever has before. One scene I know will cause major ratings headaches! The expectation for this is enormous, but fans won’t be let down by what is a brilliant and worthy sequel.” Look for a MOTHER lode of further coverage on this site and in FANGORIA’s pages soon. —Alan Jones
